The day Tiny was born was the single best moment of my life. Nothing will ever replicate the intense love and joy that I felt. For one second, everything was absolute perfection.
Fast forward to today. Motherhood is the hardest thing I will ever do. It is the most rewarding thing I will ever do but good grief it is taxing in so many ways. There is a lot to this mothering gig that you don't really understand until you are deep in the trenches of it. You have no idea what kinds of things you will worry over. You have no idea how your strength as a human will be pushed to the limit. And you have no idea how much your heart will open, yet break all at the same time. And then there is the guilt. Friggin' guilt. Every. Single. Day.
Motherhood is hard to enjoy. The complexity of emotions involved in it make it hard to sit back, take a deep breath and say…ahhh…this is bliss. (And let's face it, what mom actually ever gets to sick back? Problem #1).
But seriously. I have a hard time simply relishing my role as mama. Life gets in the way. You know, laundry, grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, taking care of pets, etc… It seems like there is always something that needs to be done. Spending hours upon hours enjoying my role as mama isn't on the to-do list. Although it should be.
I don't enjoy motherhood. I don't have the time to. I really, really want to but it seems like something gets in the way.
Part of this is simply the season of raising wee ones. It is very demanding. Add to this the demands of running a household and well, there is simply a lot going on in my life.
Please don't misunderstand me here. I love being a mother. I adore being a mother. But right now, I wish I had more time to just savor motherhood. But I don't. Those chances to sit down and bask in the glow of motherhood are rare.
My mom is always telling me what a joy it is to be a grandma. She says that NOW she is finally able to enjoy just being in her present role without all the worries of motherhood. I can see how this is true. My mom gets to spend quality time with Tiny, focused only on her for long stretches at a time. And then, she gives her back to me and lets me do all the worrying, handle all the challenges, navigate developmental milestones, all the while living life and doing what life demands of me.
I wouldn't trade this motherhood gig for the world, but being a grandparent…yeah. I kind of can't wait for that!
How about you? Do you get as much time as you would like just enjoying motherhood? If so, please share your secret with the rest of us!